The thing about being a parent is, you become one long before the child is born. You love the little person growing inside you in a way that you didn’t think was possible. It transcends your own welfare, your needs; nothing else matters but this little person. This person becomes your whole world and you hers. It’s magic, it’s calming, it’s frustrating, it’s funny, and if you’re lucky you get to do it multiple times.
I got my first glimpse of my newest lil bean on Wednesday. He was hard to find. I’m using the masculine pronoun as I have no idea of gender. He measured a week behind, but that’s to be expected when your little bean doesn’t start life in a Petrie dish. The tech finally found my lil bean, looking just like the gummy bear I was expecting to see. His lil heart was galloping along and I swear he waved. “Hi mom!” Hi my love.
A few hours later, he was surgically removed from me. He was growing just fine, just in the wrong spot. Off by just a pinch inside my right tube. He was ectopic… and he’d begun to rupture. Now I have a C-section-esque scar, scripts for hydros and ibuprofen and iron (I lost some blood), and a fleeting memory of my lil gummy bear.
I was in the hospital from about 11 a.m. on Wednesday until 2-ish Friday. That’s the longest I’ve ever been away from my daughter. I missed her incredibly. I can’t pick her up for two weeks minimum and it’s driving us both nuts. I’m dependent on others for more than I’d like to be.
I went back to work today. A small part of me is glad this happened over a holiday weekend so I wasn’t out so many days. I love my job! I missed it. It was good to be back.
It really hasn’t hit me that I lost a baby. I have all the evidence to prove I did, but my mind just isn’t letting that information completely process. I think that’s why I snarked a bunch at Matt today. I blamed it on residual preggo hormones (which it could be), but it’s not the total story.
That’s two I’ve lost in 2.5 years. I’m at high risk because 1) I’ve had an ectopic before and 2) because we’ve done IVF. We’ll be doing IVF again as soon as I get the all clear. We have two on ice and we’ll implant both. Go big or go home.
It’s been a long week.